Casual Sex: Here Are Some Do’s and Don’ts

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Most Divorced Over 50’s report that their sex life during marriage, particularly toward the end of it, was extremely lacking. In fact, several of the interviewees for Gray Divorce Stories acknowledged going years without having any sex as their marriages fell apart.

Then, when DO50’s are first out of their marriage, the focus is just trying to keep their head above water while battling through the Survive Phase — sex may be among the furthest things from their minds. As life gets better, however, and they move into Revive, an interest in sex may come back. The problem, though, is that many people aren’t ready to get into a committed relationship that will lead to sex. So what to do?

How about casual sex?

Over 50 and Radiant

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Jackie Pilossoph is a newspaper columnist and creator of the Divorced Girl Smiling Blog. We’ve linked to her in the past (So Why Did You Get Divorced?), and are happy to do it again with this piece from the Chicago Tribune, “Women Over 50 Have Radiance in Abundance.” 

The heart of her column concerns a letter she got from a 53 year old man whose 23 year marriage had ended in 2010. It’s basically a rave about women who are of a similar age. The writer says the women know what they want in a relationship. They’re dedicated to making the next part of their life amazing. They’re alive, and revel in the freedom of being single. And he suggests these women just get out and enjoy life, as their natural radiance will be more than enough to attract a real man.

Jackie, who gets countless emails from women Over 50 who say how hard it is to meet men, says she felt like doing cartwheels. More importantly, along with Judy Freedman of “A Boomer’s Life After 50, she goes on to elaborate on why being a woman over 50 can be so fabulous. Among the points they make:

  • Wisdom: You’ve learned from your personal and professional experiences. You can look back on what you’ve done, and ahead to what you haven’t.
  • Confidence: You’re comfortable with your inner self. You have a healthy self-esteem. That allows you to be vulnerable; by showing your true self to someone else, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
  • Independence: If you like being by yourself, then you’re fine whether there’s a partner in your life or not.

This is very much in line with the Thrive Stage we talk about in our Roadmap Through a Divorce Over 50.

Tips For First Date Conversation

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For many Divorced Over 50’s, the last time they had to make first date conversation was the Reagan Administration.

“I don’t know, I think ‘Big’ was kinda overrated. And come on, Tom Hanks — that guy’s not a movie star.”

If you’re back on the dating circuit, or think you may be at some point in the future, it’s only natural to have some anxiety about what to say to a new person during that initial date. Luckily, Time Magazine has offered up “5 Things Research Says You Should Talk About” on a first date. 

Rebound Romance — Might It Make Sense?

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Most relationship experts would tell newly Divorced people to take some time for themselves, and steer clear of any sort of rebound romance right after their split.

In this site’s Roadmap Through a Divorce Over 50, we talk about three steps — Survive, Revive, and Thrive — with new romance being part of the Thrive phase. Though we also say there’s no set time frame for moving through the phases, and that not every step has to be done in a specific order, the feeling here is that a new relationship should probably come later in the process, after working on oneself (which is not to say a new romance is expected or necessary — there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not pursuing it again, and no one should feel pressured to do so).

Tips For Online Dating Safety and Success

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Are you ready to try dating again? If you are, there’s good news and bad news.

The good news: it’s so much easier now than it was three decades ago. Online dating has increased the pool of potential dates exponentially. Before, you had to either be set up by friends or family, or meet the person in real life, perhaps at work, the gym,  or a bar. Now, via online dating, you can find people of interest right there on your computer screen or smart phone. Contacting them couldn’t be easier, and any old taboos against women making the first move have disappeared.

But the bad news: you know very little about those potential dates, and have to be really careful.

Valentine’s Day When You’re Divorced Over 50

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Valentine’s Day is upon us. How does that make you feel?

For many Divorced Over 50’s, particularly those at the very start of their process, February 14th can be a painful time. It can seem quite strange to be alone on a day that’s all about being part of a loving couple. Although, for those who endured a long, difficult marriage and are happy to be out, their first single V.D. can be a relief, as they no longer have to pretend there’s something to celebrate.

Sex and the Single Woman Over 50

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If you ask a man over 50 for the first word that pops into his head when you say “sex,” he’d very likely answer with something like Yes, Now, Please, or More. It wouldn’t matter if he was single, happily married, or unhappily married – most men would have that positive, or at least hopeful, reaction.

But what if you asked an over 50 woman the same thing?

For a plenty of married woman beyond 50 — those who are in that standard, three or more decade long relationship — their first word just might be “obligation.” As in, my husband expects it, I don’t really want it, but I’ll submit occasionally, in hopes of keeping him happy. Or getting him to mow the lawn.

And for unhappily married women past 50, their word is probably something along the lines of No, Nope, Nah-ah, or Fugetaboutit.

But what if you asked a divorced woman over 50 for the first word that pops into her head? Well, there’s an excellent chance that word is “Yahoo!”

How do I, a divorced man over 50, know this?

Hours and hours of intimate contact with almost two dozen divorced women over 50.

Dating in the Modern Age

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Technology has changed so many aspects of our lives, and dating is no exception.

For many Divorced Over 50’s, the last time you dated involved a phone call over a land line, or perhaps a note written on a piece of lined notebook paper.

There’s no doubt that the new technology can make dating much easier, and give you many more opportunities to meet someone. But it would be a mistake to jump into that brave new world without doing some preparation.

In Praise of Older Men

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Great news, guys: At least one woman out there says she’d rather have sex with a man Over 50 than a 25 year old with a tight round butt, firm six pack, and rippling hard muscles.

No, seriously.

That woman, Katherine Ann Forsythe, is a sexuality educator with a specialty in intimacy and aging. And she backs up her assertion in a piece called “Why I’d Rather Sleep with a Man Over 50.”

As you’ll see in her article, she cites a number of reasons why we older guys make better lovers. These include the fact that we’re not in a hurry, we put our partner’s needs first, and we know that intercourse is not the only way to have great sex.

Libido Over 50: It’s More About Mindset Than Hormones

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Dr Christiane Northrup, MD is a board certified OB/GYN and a past president of the American Holistic Medical Association. She’s also a New York Times bestselling author.

In an article for Vibrant Nation, she asserts that the reason women Over 50 experience a decreased libido is not because of menopause, but rather because they’re locked into an old way of thinking about, and having, sex.