Last post was about female sexuality Over 50; now it’s the guys’ turn. And just as the post regarding women contained information relevant to men, this one should be of interest to the ladies, too.
So let’s start with a few things we know about male sexuality when it comes to us Boomers: Impotence is to be expected, libido diminishes, and sex can actually be dangerous. Right?
No. Wrong! Those are myths, and none of them are true.
This piece from MaleHealthCenter. com says that research shows nearly all men (and the majority of women) retain an interest in sex between the ages of 50 and 80. And that even if response isn’t what it once was, simply recognizing it takes longer to get aroused is often the “cure” for erectile dysfunction. In other words, before seeking a medical solution, try simple communication with your partner, letting her know that you need a lot of foreplay, too.
The article says that great sex is the result of knowing, understanding, and caring for your partner. It offers a few recommendations for creating the solid bond that leads to fulfilling sex, including:
Be generous with your compliments, letting her know how attractive she is
Try alternatives to penetration, as there’s plenty of pleasure to be had other than intercourse
Communicate what you like, and ask her what works for her
Avoid monotony by trying new locations and times of the day
Aimed at males Over 50, our friends at AARP offer “Six Ways to Make Lovemaking Great.” Its main take-away is that men don’t give their partners an orgasm; rather, it’s the man’s role to create the right context that allows the woman to have one (or more). And to help create those comfortable conditions, men should…
Recognize most women require more than intercourse to climax
Treat her entire body as an erogenous zone, not just a few specific areas
Slow down, spending lots of time on the warm-up (which, as mentioned above, is important for men, too)
Mix it up and try something new (also mentioned above)
Be open to including a vibrator in the love-making if the woman wants it
And to close this out, the online dating site Zoosk.com offers “What 50 Year Old Men Want in Bed.” Some of the suggestions aimed at women are similar to previous advise for men (be communicative, be spontaneous, take your time), but a few others haven’t been touched on before.
As we all know, human sexuality can be complicated. Then, when you’re Over 50, it can get additionally complicated. And for women Over 50, due to both societal factors and their own physiology, it can become more complicated still.
Though plenty of mature Divorced women are finding their sexuality reignited (see our January post “Sex and the Single Woman Over 50”), that isn’t always the case. Both the “mind” and the “body” issues that come into play Over 50 can have a negative effect.
Most Divorced Over 50’s report that their sex life during marriage, particularly toward the end of it, was extremely lacking. In fact, several of the interviewees for Gray Divorce Stories acknowledged going years without having any sex as their marriages fell apart.
Then, when DO50’s are first out of their marriage, the focus is just trying to keep their head above water while battling through the Survive Phase — sex may be among the furthest things from their minds. As life gets better, however, and they move into Revive, an interest in sex may come back. The problem, though, is that many people aren’t ready to get into a committed relationship that will lead to sex. So what to do?
As you’ll see in her article, she cites a number of reasons why we older guys make better lovers. These include the fact that we’re not in a hurry, we put our partner’s needs first, and we know that intercourse is not the only way to have great sex.
During the course of a long-term marriage, couples naturally reach a comfort level concerning the most private aspects of their lives. In most cases, each becomes totally fine being nude around his or her spouse; one becomes intimately acquainted with the other’s sexuality; he or she has experienced the partner being ill, with all the sneezing, coughing, nose blowing, and vomiting that entails; and they’ve likely reached a point where engaging in most bathroom activities while together is no big deal.
But what happens when someone goes through a Divorce Over 50? What’s it like for that newly single person to begin dating, develop a relationship, and start from scratch with a new partner? After perhaps three or more decades enjoying total comfort in these areas, how can he or she navigate such potentially embarrassing issues?
I’ll go out on a limb here and suggest that for most men, when it comes to nudity and sex with a new woman, their excitement and desire will block out any hint of discomfort. They may wish some of their parts were bigger while others were smaller, or that there was less hair in certain areas and more definition in others, but those thoughts will be completely overwhelmed by the opportunity to roll around with someone new.
And though a percentage of women may feel insecure about their bodies as they head for bed with a new man, I’d suggest most will get through it just fine. Initially they may want lights turned off, or certain articles of clothing left on, but eventually that need will fade. (Side note from the male point-of-view: Ladies, we guys don’t care — we’re just happy to be there…)
So if it’s truly a good relationship, a high level of comfort regarding sex and nudity should be achieved easily and soon.
Remember that book from back when we were so much younger, The Joy of Sex? Published in 1972, it seemed incredibly explicit for a mainstream book, which is probably why it spent 70 weeks on the New York Times Bestseller List and has sold over 12 million copies. I’ll admit to looking through my parents’ copy, and I’m confident a whole bunch of you did the same.
A lot’s changed since those days, as significantly more explicit material (remember the book’s simple sketches of that very normal looking couple?) is just a click or two away. Much of the current stuff, however, is more about titillation (and another four-syllable word that ends with “…tion”) than instruction.
Many Divorced Over 50’s have come to embrace the new world of online dating. Whether they use a general site like Match or eHarmony, or more specific site like Our Time or Mature Singles Click, it’s clear that online dating is popular among our demographic.
But what about using a dating app? You know, like Tinder? The ones that exist only on your smart phone, and involve swiping left or right on potential dates’ pictures.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that folks Over 50 are using them as well.
If you’ve thought about going that way, here’s an article comparing ten of those currently available. One is particularly intriguing for Divorced Over 50’s — it’s called Divorce Force, and offers articles on Divorce, Divorce news, and Divorce forums, plus more. But check out the full line up offered here. And if you try any of them out, and feel like reporting back, we’d love to hear about your experiences.
I have believed, and written, that it’s best to be honest when putting together your online dating profile.
My thinking has been, if your primary online photo is ten years old, all you’re going to do is disappoint your date when you meet in person. Same thing if you’ve exaggerated or under-reported your height or weight. My belief has been that there’s no recovering from that initial deception.