When you finish reading a great book, closing it up for the final time, is your first thought, “Wow, what a failure”?
Or when you take the last bite of a meal, do you consider it a fiasco just because it ended? Or walk out of a party, thank the host for a great time, and then immediately think, “That was some disaster”?
Of course not. You viewed those experiences for what they were — a period of time you spent doing something that eventually came to an end. You may have loved it, or hated it, or something in between, but it certainly wasn’t a failure.
So why is that when a marriage ends, it’s seen by society, and often the formerly married parties, as a failure?
That’s the premise of Betty Russell’s piece, “Debunking the Myth of the ‘Failed Relationship’.” Russell argues that the end of a relationship should never be seen as a source of shame or a failure. Some good certainly came out of it: perhaps the children you created, or the fact that you became part of a bigger extended family. Moreover, you had achievements together, whether building a business, buying a house, or planting a garden.
And perhaps most importantly, your relationship was a learning experience. You learned about yourself, and about what you want, and don’t want, in a future partner. Which fits perfectly with the philosophy here at DO50, and why our situation offers us such a great opportunity.
Sure, it’s easy to say a divorce is a failure because a marriage is supposed to last a lifetime — ours didn’t, therefore we failed. But I’d say the only failure is not learning from the previous relationship, and missing the chance to apply those lessons to our lives, and relationships, going forward.
Plenty of wisdom in Betty’s piece, including several tips for coping with the breakup and its aftermath. Check it out.
