The New York Times recently published an article by novelist-philosopher Alain de Botton entitled “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Many Divorced Over 50’s will see that title and think, “That’s not something I will do, it’s something I did do.”
So why bother reading his piece and trying to make sense of it?
Because his arguments should make most of us feel pretty damn good (or at least better) about being Divorced Over 50.
Remember that book from back when we were so much younger, The Joy of Sex? Published in 1972, it seemed incredibly explicit for a mainstream book, which is probably why it spent 70 weeks on the New York Times Bestseller List and has sold over 12 million copies. I’ll admit to looking through my parents’ copy, and I’m confident a whole bunch of you did the same.
A lot’s changed since those days, as significantly more explicit material (remember the book’s simple sketches of that very normal looking couple?) is just a click or two away. Much of the current stuff, however, is more about titillation (and another four-syllable word that ends with “…tion”) than instruction.
So where can you go to get some pointers on sex?
Many Divorced Over 50’s have come to embrace the new world of online dating. Whether they use a general site like Match or eHarmony, or more specific site like Our Time or Mature Singles Click, it’s clear that online dating is popular among our demographic.
But what about using a dating app? You know, like Tinder? The ones that exist only on your smart phone, and involve swiping left or right on potential dates’ pictures.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that folks Over 50 are using them as well.
If you’ve thought about going that way, here’s an article comparing ten of those currently available. One is particularly intriguing for Divorced Over 50’s — it’s called Divorce Force, and offers articles on Divorce, Divorce news, and Divorce forums, plus more. But check out the full line up offered here. And if you try any of them out, and feel like reporting back, we’d love to hear about your experiences.
I have believed, and written, that it’s best to be honest when putting together your online dating profile.
My thinking has been, if your primary online photo is ten years old, all you’re going to do is disappoint your date when you meet in person. Same thing if you’ve exaggerated or under-reported your height or weight. My belief has been that there’s no recovering from that initial deception.
But what if I’m wrong?
Which sounds more difficult to you?
Returning to work after a long absence, or resuming dating after not doing it for twenty-five years?
In a really nifty blog post, “Divorcierge” Karen Bigman takes the lessons she learned when returning to work after being a stay-at-home mom, and applies them to getting back into the dating game when her 25 year marriage ended.
Clearly, sex and intimacy are important parts of any relationship.
For Divorced Over 50’s who may be ready to explore new situations, these issues can unfortunately be a source of stress. Our bodies have changed from when we last dated. Age, illness, and surgery can affect both men and women, with women adding menopause to their list.
As a relationship moves forward, it’s important to have open, honest communication with your potential partner about what will, and won’t work for you.
If you’re typical of most Divorced Over 50’s, your ex-spouse was in your life for twenty years, thirty years, or maybe even more.
A chunk of those years may not have been particularly happy. You may have really wanted your Divorce, and are glad to be out. Still, you don’t just instantly “get over” your spouse, someone you once loved and who’s played such a large role in your life for multiple decades.
On the other side, there are plenty of DO50’s who wanted to stay in their marriage. They’re not happy about their Divorce, feeling left behind. For them, moving on from their ex can be more painful and difficult.
And then there are all of those situations in between the two extremes.
Getting over your ex is a vital part of the Revive Stage as you move through your Divorce Over 50.
But the question is, just how do you do that?
Did you stay in a bad marriage out of fear?
And was one of those fears a concern about being alone? Were you worried that you would never find love again?
Or, if you’re Di-Curious and still in your troubled marriage, is that one of the issues holding you back from getting out?
There’s no denying that that particular fear is real, and it’s scary. But we all have the power to overcome it by doing one thing: changing our attitude.
This past August, I posted a piece entitled “Dating as a Teenager vs. Dating as an Over 50.” You can read it here on the site, or see what it looked like on Huffington Post. The article explored what men said, thought, and worried about way back in their teens compared to now in middle age. It offered no great insights; it was just written for fun…
In discussion with my mid-20s son Daniel, we came up with a twist on that premise: When it comes to dating and romance now, what differences would a single dad in his 50s encounter compared to his single son in his 20s? In other words, how might it go when a dad and his son sit down to openly compare notes about what’s happening with the women in their lives?
Again, just written for fun. And ladies, feel free to weigh in with some commentary between a single mom and her daughter. But here’s our look at a father/son back-and-forth:
Son: She thinks we’re exclusive, and wants me off Tinder.
Dad: She thinks we’re exclusive, and wants me off carbs.
Everyone familiar with Kegel exercises?
As you likely know, doing Kegels helps maintain pelvic muscle fitness, which is good for bladder and bowel control, as well as sexual function.
But here are two things you may not know: (1) There is actually an organization called the National Association for Continence, and (2) said organization has determined that 40 percent of women are doing their Kegels incorrectly.