The Big Tell: I’m Getting Divorced

by Barry Gold
Posted on
Di-Curious

Having to tell your family and friends you’re getting Divorced can be a surprisingly difficult part of the process. At a really awful time in your life, when you’re already dealing with all the turmoil and fear and uncertainty, one of the last things you may want is to run into a friend at Starbucks who asks, “So what’s new?”

Author Wendy Paris, writing for Psychology Today’s website, believes that the act of telling others about your split is actually a great opportunity. She explains that marriages exist within communities, and members of those communities can be confused by a Divorce. So the way you break the news helps the community see how you’re viewing it, and lets them know what to expect.

Would you like the opportunity to ask over 30 relationship experts for their Top Tips on coping with a Divorce?

Well, I can’t offer you that, but luckily someone else did ask, and their answers are presented here in a well organized list.

by Barry Gold
Posted on
Di-Curious

If you’re Di-Curious, have you thought about how you’ll tell your husband or wife you want out, if in fact you decide to Divorce?

And for those who’ve already been through it, how’d you handle the situation, whether you were the giver or receiver of the news? Did that initial statement/conversation get your process off to a reasonable start, or did it dial up the anger and set a negative tone that lasted the entire process?

by Barry Gold
Posted on
General

Did you feel shame about getting Divorced?

Did you blame yourself and/or your ex, wallowing in negativity that builds upon itself, feeling depressed, angry, and resentful?

Or, did you accept that you may have made some bad choices, but you’re a good person, who will move forward with a positive mindset?

casual sex, divorced over 50, gray divorce.

Most Divorced Over 50’s report that their sex life during marriage, particularly toward the end of it, was extremely lacking. In fact, several of the interviewees for Gray Divorce Stories acknowledged going years without having any sex as their marriages fell apart.

Then, when DO50’s are first out of their marriage, the focus is just trying to keep their head above water while battling through the Survive Phase — sex may be among the furthest things from their minds. As life gets better, however, and they move into Revive, an interest in sex may come back. The problem, though, is that many people aren’t ready to get into a committed relationship that will lead to sex. So what to do?

How about casual sex?

by Barry Gold
Posted on
General

Did you make a Bucket List after your Divorce?

That probably wasn’t a priority during the early, Survive Phase of your process. But as you began (or will begin) to Revive, creating a Bucket List could be an important, and valuable, exercise. Just the act of looking forward to a brighter future, and setting some goals within that future, could help you Thrive sooner. Even if you eventually only check off a few of the goals, you’ll still be so much better off.

If you ask a man over 50 for the first word that pops into his head when you say “sex,” he’d very likely answer with something like Yes, Now, Please, or More. It wouldn’t matter if he was single, happily married, or unhappily married – most men would have that positive, or at least hopeful, reaction.

But what if you asked an over 50 woman the same thing?

For a plenty of married woman beyond 50 — those who are in that standard, three or more decade long relationship — their first word just might be “obligation.” As in, my husband expects it, I don’t really want it, but I’ll submit occasionally, in hopes of keeping him happy. Or getting him to mow the lawn.

And for unhappily married women past 50, their word is probably something along the lines of No, Nope, Nah-ah, or Fugetaboutit.

But what if you asked a divorced woman over 50 for the first word that pops into her head? Well, there’s an excellent chance that word is “Yahoo!”

How do I, a divorced man over 50, know this?

Hours and hours of intimate contact with almost two dozen divorced women over 50.

by Barry Gold
Posted on
Di-Curious

For many of us, our Divorce Over 50 is the first time we’ve ever had to deal with an attorney. Yep, just one more thing about it that really sucks.

So at a terrible time in your life, with all sorts of stress and emotion and pressure, you have to navigate that new, confusing, scary, and expensive world of Divorce lawyers.

Jackie Pilossoph is a newspaper columnist and creator of the Divorced Girl Smiling Blog. We’ve linked to her in the past (So Why Did You Get Divorced?), and are happy to do it again with this piece from the Chicago Tribune, “Women Over 50 Have Radiance in Abundance.”

The heart of her column concerns a letter she got from a 53 year old man whose 23 year marriage had ended in 2010. It’s basically a rave about women who are of a similar age. The writer says the women know what they want in a relationship. They’re dedicated to making the next part of their life amazing. They’re alive, and revel in the freedom of being single. And he suggests these women just get out and enjoy life, as their natural radiance will be more than enough to attract a real man.

Remember that old catchphrase from the seventies, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”?

Whether it’s true or not, Divorce very often means you, or your ex, really should be saying you’re sorry. But just uttering those words is not enough. To really do its job, the apology needs to be offered correctly. So what’s the proper etiquette for saying you’re sorry?