Gassed Up For a New Over 50 Relationship

During the course of a long-term marriage, couples naturally reach a comfort level concerning the most private aspects of their lives. In most cases, each becomes totally fine being nude around his or her spouse; one becomes intimately acquainted with the other’s sexuality; he or she has experienced the partner being ill, with all the sneezing, coughing, nose blowing, and vomiting that entails; and they’ve likely reached a point where engaging in most bathroom activities while together is no big deal.

But what happens when someone goes through a Divorce Over 50? What’s it like for that newly single person to begin dating, develop a relationship, and start from scratch with a new partner? After perhaps three or more decades enjoying total comfort in these areas, how can he or she navigate such potentially embarrassing issues?

Remember how we used to be part of the Pepsi Generation? We were young, energetic, adventurous.

Alas, now we’ve become the Ensure Generation. Chased with shots of Metamucil.

Right?

No! WRONG!!

We are older. Gravity, the sun, and life have changed how we look. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still be attractive. And nothing, repeat nothing, can change how we feel about ourselves. Except us.

Which creates a choice. Consider yourself over the hill and washed up. Or see yourself as still active, interesting, and vital.

I’m gonna go with the latter.

When it comes to exercise, we’ve all heard the phrase “No pain, no gain.”

We Over 50’s know it’s important to engage in some level of exercise, though at this point we’re even less inclined to endure a lot of pain then we were way back when.

But what if we could get the benefits of exercise, with just a a bit of pain? Like seven minutes worth? Would you do it?

The New York Times recently published an article by novelist-philosopher Alain de Botton entitled “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Many Divorced Over 50’s will see that title and think, “That’s not something I will do, it’s something I did do.”

So why bother reading his piece and trying to make sense of it?

Because his arguments should make most of us feel pretty damn good (or at least better) about being Divorced Over 50.

Some couples go through a Divorce Over 50 and are able to stay quite amicable. Occasionally you even hear about a couple that gets along beautifully after their Divorce, functioning better as friends than they did as spouses.

Others, however, want nothing to do with their ex once the Divorce is final, preferring to never set eyes upon him or her again. That might be possible if the couple never had children, but once kids are involved, the see-no-ex approach becomes almost impossible. Events such as a graduation, wedding, or the birth of a grandchild mean the formerly married partners will be thrown together, no matter how much one or both don’t want it.

And if one or both spouses still have anger, bitterness, or other negative feelings toward the other, it’s going to be an uncomfortable situation. The question becomes, will it be uncomfortable for just the parents, or will it affect the child as well?

by Barry Gold
Posted on
Di-Curious

In late April, I offered DivorcedOver50.com users a survey built around two simple questions: What are the best things about being a divorced person over 50, and what are the worst?

Here’s a link to the survey, if you want to check it out or take it.

Not surprisingly, the overwhelming winner for best was “freedom.” And the most common answer for worst was “loneliness.”

I wrote a piece for Huffington Post discussing the loneliness aspect, aimed at the Di-Curious. The premise is that loneliness can be attacked and overcome. And that a Di-Curious person, weighing his or her options, should not be scared off from Divorce due to that specific fear.

For the Divorced Over 50 community, that decision has already been made, whether by you, your ex-spouse, or mutual agreement. Because such a large percentage (including many who wanted the divorce or whose split was mutual) are facing loneliness, it’s important to discuss it on these pages as well.

by Barry Gold
Posted on
Di-Curious

Getting divorced is guaranteed to cause pain.

It hurts to realize your plan for the future won’t come true. It hurts to realize your spouse is not who you thought he or she was (and maybe you aren’t, either). It hurts to leave your family home, and to divide the possessions you shared there.

Much of the pain tends to hit both men and women equally.

There is, however, a divorce aspect that’s unequal: In a gray divorce, with a marriage that lasted two decades or more, when it comes to the friends you shared as a couple, the man is going to get hurt.

by Barry Gold
Posted on
General

divorced over 50, divorce, grief, grieve,

If you’ve just joined the ranks of the Divorced Over 50’s, or you’re in the process of doing so, chances are excellent you feel like crap. Whether you wanted the split or not, you’re hurting. A lot. A lot of the time.

It may seem hard to believe right now, but you will get through this. And at some point, eventually, you’re going to emerge a better, stronger, happier, more secure person.

But first you have to grieve.

by Barry Gold
Posted on
Di-Curious

Does this sound like you?

You’re in your fifties, married around 25 years, with kids recently launched. Over the past few years, while those children were becoming more self-sufficient, you were able to shift attention back to your spouse. Which led to a realization: You are really not happy in your marriage. It has not gone the way you wanted. And the idea of spending thirty more years with your spouse is not one you relish.

But then again, if you do get divorced, there are no guarantees about the future. It’s a scary world out there. Dating again, at your age? With some body parts that don’t look, and others that don’t function, like they used to? What if you never find someone, and end up alone? Maybe you’re better off just staying with what you know rather than striking out into uncharted territory.

Who’s seen this one before — your friend gets divorced, gets right into a new relationship, and fairly quickly remarries someone who’s almost exactly like his or her original spouse? It happens a lot. Which helps explain why so many second marriages fail, too.