If you’re Di-Curious, have you thought about how you’ll tell your husband or wife you want out, if in fact you decide to Divorce?
And for those who’ve already been through it, how’d you handle the situation, whether you were the giver or receiver of the news? Did that initial statement/conversation get your process off to a reasonable start, or did it dial up the anger and set a negative tone that lasted the entire process?
For many Divorced Over 50’s, the last time they had to make first date conversation was the Reagan Administration.
“I don’t know, I think ‘Big’ was kinda overrated. And come on, Tom Hanks — that guy’s not a movie star.”
If you’re back on the dating circuit, or think you may be at some point in the future, it’s only natural to have some anxiety about what to say to a new person during that initial date. Luckily, Time Magazine has offered up “5 Things Research Says You Should Talk About” on a first date.
So, did you come through the Thanksgiving Holiday okay?
If it’s your first one since your Divorce Over 50, it was probably rough. Even if it was your sixth, as it was for me, it still doesn’t feel quite right. My young adult children were in town, and this was my year to have them join my family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Which was great. But it’s still odd to be sharing them with my ex-wife, as they spent some nights at my place, and some at hers. It’s strange to hear about them going to a “Second Night of Thanksgiving” at her and her new husband’s house. And I missed being in a home on Thanksgiving Day when the meal was being cooked — I used to revel in the smells, the warmth, just the whole feel of that experience.
And now, the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/New Years Holidays loom.
Some couples go through a Divorce Over 50 and are able to stay quite amicable. Occasionally you even hear about a couple that gets along beautifully after their Divorce, functioning better as friends than they did as spouses.
Others, however, want nothing to do with their ex once the Divorce is final, preferring to never set eyes upon him or her again. That might be possible if the couple never had children, but once kids are involved, the see-no-ex approach becomes almost impossible. Events such as a graduation, wedding, or the birth of a grandchild mean the formerly married partners will be thrown together, no matter how much one or both don’t want it.
And if one or both spouses still have anger, bitterness, or other negative feelings toward the other, it’s going to be an uncomfortable situation. The question becomes, will it be uncomfortable for just the parents, or will it affect the child as well?
I have believed, and written, that it’s best to be honest when putting together your online dating profile.
My thinking has been, if your primary online photo is ten years old, all you’re going to do is disappoint your date when you meet in person. Same thing if you’ve exaggerated or under-reported your height or weight. My belief has been that there’s no recovering from that initial deception.
Returning to work after a long absence, or resuming dating after not doing it for twenty-five years?
In a really nifty blog post, “Divorcierge” Karen Bigman takes the lessons she learned when returning to work after being a stay-at-home mom, and applies them to getting back into the dating game when her 25 year marriage ended.
If you’re typical of most Divorced Over 50’s, your ex-spouse was in your life for twenty years, thirty years, or maybe even more.
A chunk of those years may not have been particularly happy. You may have really wanted your Divorce, and are glad to be out. Still, you don’t just instantly “get over” your spouse, someone you once loved and who’s played such a large role in your life for multiple decades.
On the other side, there are plenty of DO50’s who wanted to stay in their marriage. They’re not happy about their Divorce, feeling left behind. For them, moving on from their ex can be more painful and difficult.
And then there are all of those situations in between the two extremes.
Getting over your ex is a vital part of the Revive Stage as you move through your Divorce Over 50.
The conventional wisdom says that when it comes to sex, men respond to visual stimulation, while women need an emotional connection.
Guys are shallow, they want it all the time — give ’em one flash of cleavage and boom, they’re ready to go! On the other hand, women are deeper; they insist on feeling connected, embraced, even loved before they can respond sexually.
You’ve heard stuff like that, right? The woman doesn’t want it, so it’s up to the man to seduce her.
Maybe you experienced that when dating back in your twenties. Perhaps it was even true during your marriage.
But how about now, as a Divorced Over 50? In our situation, does that old way of thinking hold up?
For most of us, the Christmas/Hanukah and New Year’s holidays embody a number of traditions: Spending time with family (while trying to maintain sanity), making resolutions (which never get kept), watching college football bowl games (that are rarely very exciting).
And now, according to industry experts, there’s another seasonal tradition: It kicks off a boom in online dating.
A number of factors contribute to the uptick in online activity. Perhaps the disappointment of being alone over the holidays is inspiration. Some might even make going online a New Year’s resolution. And the cold weather may play a part — it’s only natural to want someone to stay in and cuddle up with.
So, if online dating is part of your plan, are you ready?